Minty Fresh
by yolapeoples
Summary: “HE’S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!” Remus was innocently brushing his teeth… notice the past tense on “was”. Marauders randomness. ‘Nuff said. One shot


**Summary: "HE'S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!!" Remus was innocently brushing his teeth… notice the past tense on "was". Marauders randomness. 'Nuff said. [One shot]**

**Dedication: My little brother and myself for having a very strange and way too hyper conversation about toothpaste. And the word "random" for without it I would have nothing to describe myself or my stories with.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Marauders or anything else. They belong to J.K. Rowling. I just gave Sirius a tube of toothpaste and let the mayhem unfold. Oops. Looks like Remus is on the verge of wanting to murder me. The song "Black Horse and A Cherry Tree" also does not belong to me, though that is kind of obvious (but a reviewer told me I wasn't allowed to put someone else's lyrics in a fic, but I didn't feel like changing it as the song is part of the package de randomness (and the statement quite contradicted the foundation of songfics), so instead I reiterate the "I don't own the Marauders or anything else" by saying that "anything else" does in fact include the song lyrics.); it belongs to KT Tunstall.**

**One More Thing: The song "Black Horse and A Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall has absolutely nothing to do with this story, but I was listening to it while I was writing it. If you don't like the song (or don't know it), you can just skip over the lyrics that are in **_**italics**_** because they are in truth, pure randomness.**

**Minty Fresh**

_Two, three, four_

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

Remus Lupin stood in the bathroom, brushing his teeth with Colgate Total Advanced Whitening toothpaste. He was about to clear his mouth of the white foam when none other than Sirius Black came bounding into the bathroom.

_Well my heart knows me better than I know myself  
So I'm gonna let it do all the talking._

"Hey Moony!" said the teen, chipper as always. Remus turned to his friend with a look that said, "What the hell are you doing here?"

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

Sirius' eyes opened in horror as he stared at Remus, "OH MY GOD! HE'S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!!" Remus barely had the time to blink and Sirius was dragging him into the Marauders' dormitory. "PRONGS! WORMTAIL! MOONY'S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!"

_I came across a place in the middle of nowhere  
With a big black horse and a cherry tree._

Peter Pettigrew peered over his bed from where he was on the floor, rummaging through his trunk and the dormitory door burst open loudly as James Potter came in exclaiming, "What the…" His voice trailed off as he saw Sirius dragging Remus by wrapping his arm around Remus' neck. Remus looked up at James in alarm with a look that said, "HELP ME!"

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

"WE NEED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL WING IMMEDIATELY!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Uh… Padfoot?" said James, "Its toothp-"

"COMING THROUGH!" yelled Sirius as he ran past James, leaving him and Peter to blink at each other before running after Sirius and poor Remus.

"BLACK!" yelled Lily as Sirius came barreling into the common room, "Why do you feel the necessity to make such an infernal racket?!" Her prefect badge gleamed in the fire's light. The light also made her quite terrifying.

_I felt a little fear, upon my back  
I said don't look back, just keep on walking_

Then she realized Sirius was dragging Remus in a chokehold. "What the…REMUS?!"

Remus tried the desperate "Help me!!!!" look again as he couldn't say anything with Sirius choking him.

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

"MOOOOOOOVVVEE!!!" yelled Sirius, trying to get Lily to let him out of the portrait hole. "HE'S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!!!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BLACK?! THAT'S TOOTH-"

Sirius roared and pushed Lily to the side and dragged Remus out of the portrait hole with him, his victim spluttering, "MMHMM!!!" which could roughly be translated, "SAAVVEE MEE!!"

_When the big black horse said look this way,  
He said hey lady, will you marry me?_

James and Peter came tearing down the stairs and Lily tried to head them off for an explanation. James dodged his goddess though not the same could be said for Peter who was pulled back and James could only imagine Lily tying Peter to a chair and inquiring him about Sirius.

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

Sirius tore through the hallways, shouting variations of "LEMME THROUGH!!!", "MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!", "GET THE EFF OUT OF MY WAY!" and shouting various spells, jinxes and curses at whatever poor soul happened to be innocently standing in the way of Sirius Black and, against his will, Remus Lupin.

Remus wished this insanity would just end.

_But I said no, no, no, no-no-no  
I said no, no, you're not the one for me_

James charged after Sirius, following the path of destruction littered with many bewildered student, some with blue, spiky hair, others with rather oversized feet and yet others who were completely orange. James made a mental note to ask Sirius where he dug up all those spells; they could come in handy one of these days.

_No, no, no, no-no-no  
I said no, no, you're not the one for me_

"What is going on around here?!" exclaimed Minerva McGonagall as she stepped out of her classroom because of the noise. She had enough time to see Sirius Black, dragging what seemed to be Remus Lupin, run by at the speed of light and plenty of time to realize that she was now covered in scales.

"BLACK!!!!!!!" she yelled furiously at the disappearing figure as she run out into the middle of the corridor, waving her fist in the air, only to be knocked practically over by James Potter running by as well. "POTTER!!!"

_ooooo, woo-hoo_

Sirius dashed down the corridor and neared Dumbledore's office. The werewolf prayed to god - if there was a god in this insane universe - that Dumbledore would step out and put an end to this madness. When Dumbledore did step out of his office, Remus brightened at the hope. Sirius skidded to a halt in front of Dumbledore and saluted him like a soldier with his free hand.

_And my heart had a problem, in the early hours,  
So I stopped it dead for a beat or two._

"Permission to speak, sir!" said Sirius.

In all seriousness, Dumbledore replied, "Permission granted."

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

"Immediate Hospital Wing support necessary for my comrade, sir." replied Sirius.

"Move out, soldier!" replied Dumbledore, a twinkle of amusement hidden behind his half-moon glasses. And Sirius began running again. Remus felt that he was going to cry.

_But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done that,  
And it won't forgive me after all these years._

"Uh…" said Peter, unsure.

"Tell me what Sirius is up to and I won't hurt you." said Lily, an evil glint in her green eyes James admired so much.

"Uh…" repeated Peter.

"Not telling me? Hmph. No more good cop." said Lily.

"That was the good cop?!" asked Peter in shock. Lily gave him an evil, steely glare and Peter squeaked.

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

"What is the meaning of this ruckus?!" proclaimed Slughorn, indigant, "Who dares disturb me and my crystallized pineapple?!"

Sirius ran by the portly Potions professor. Remus' legs were getting sore from all the skidding across the stone floors they were being forced to do.

_So I sent her to a place in the middle of nowhere  
With a big black horse and a cherry tree._

A few moments after Slughorn had enough time to register the black-and-sandy-haired blur that had passed in front of him, something else came barreling towards him in the distance. He recognized the thing as James Potter, one of his worst students, which he couldn't understand. The boy was brilliant, nearly good enough for the Slug Club, but could never for the life of him get a single potion right. It baffled the professor so much that James ran by him without him even noticing it.

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

"AAHHHHH!!!" yelled Peter as he ran around the common room, a chair tied to him with a large rope. Lily chased him, shooting spells haphazardly.

"_GLISSEO!_" shouted Lily and Peter found himself slipping, landing sitting on the chair again as the chair slid on the now slippery-as-ice floor. Where were James, Sirius and Remus now?!

_Now it won't come back, cause it's oh so happy  
And now I've got a hole for the world to see._

For once in his life, Severus Snape thought that he finally had Black and Potter in his clutches. He had set up the trap of a lifetime. From where he stood in adjoining corridor, Snape could see his masterpiece. Multiple trip wires waited, perfectly blending in with the floor, at the beginning of the hallway attached to various containers of slugs, worms, mud, Muggle super-glue and feathers. Beyond that, Snape had blasted a hole into the ground, creating a pit that was now filled with snakes in honor of Slytherin house. This was disguised with a clever charm that made it look like the floor was perfectly fine. Also, in case Black and Potter happened to survive that first two traps, Snape had also gathered some followers from his common room who were now hidden, waiting anxiously for a chance to charm, jinx or, most of all, curse the meddling Gryffindors.

_woo-hoo, woo-hoo_

As Sirius ran down the next corridor, Remus sensed something very wrong with this. There was absolutely no one in sight in this one, unlike the other corridors they had ran through. Well, one of them ran; the other one was dragged forcefully by the neck.

"SIMHIUS!!" blathered Remus through a mouthful of toothpaste and choked throat. Sirius looked at his friend in alarm and skidded to another halt right before the first trip wire.

_But it said no, no, no, no-no-no  
I said no, no, you're not the one for me_

'Dammit all', thought Snape as he saw Black stop suddenly. Wait… what the hell was Lupin doing with him? 'Grr…', Snape seethed. The bloody werewolf was screwing up his plans. But it would work. It was fool-proof!!!

But Sirius Black was no fool. He let go of Remus' neck for five seconds before he looped his arms through Remus' so they were back to back. Remus just looked bewildered, which was what he had been feeling a lot of since Sirius had interrupted his tooth brushing. With the skill of a ninja and perhaps part gymnast, Sirius hopped over the trip wires artistically and jumped over the pit of snakes. Dodging the spells sent to him by the Slytherins, he dropped Remus, hooked his arm back around his friend's neck, pulled out his wand and started yelling spells at them whilst running by them.

Snape knocked his head against the stone wall repeatedly. Yes, the plan was fool-proof, but it sure wasn't idiot-proof. And Sirius Black was one hell of an idiot.

_No, no, no, no-no-no  
Said no, no, you're not the one for me_

"I SAID I DON'T KNOW!!" cried Peter.

"Wait… really?" asked Lily, back to her usual, non-evil self in a flash.

"Of course! Do you expect me to have the slightest idea how Sirius' mind works?!"

"True…" said Lily slowly.

_ooooo, woo-hoo_

_Not the one for me, yeah!  
ooooo woo-hoo_

Sirius saw the sign for the Hospital Wing at the end of the corridor, approaching him steadily.

"I'LL SAVE YOU, MOONY!!!!" he yelled back to his friend.

'Yeah, I'm sooo sure.' thought Remus sarcastically.

Suddenly, something lunged at Sirius from another corridor to the right.

_Said no, no, no, no, no, no, no  
You're not the one for me_

James wrestled Sirius to the ground who dragged Remus down with him.

"PRONGS?!" exclaimed Sirius, his voice seemingly stuck at that volume. James smirked and pinned Sirius to the ground. "TRAITOR!"

"Am not." said James, taken aback by his best mate's accusation. Sirius smirked as he took advantage of James' letting his guard down and pinned James to the ground, letting out a barking laugh.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no  
You're not the one for me_

"POTTER! BLACK!!" screamed a voice from behind the two who continued to wrestle on the ground. Both boys stopped and looked up to see Lily, her red hair tied up in a ponytail.

"What have you DONE?!" she yelled.

"Nothing!" they said in unison, standing up and putting their hands up in innocence.

"I meant to Remus!!"

"What?" they said, again in unison.

_Big black horse and a cherry tree  
I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me._

"I'm so sorry, Moony!!!" gushed Sirius over and over again, as did James. Remus looked at them and smiled from where he lay, propped up by pillows, on the Hospital Wing bed.

"It's okay, guys." he said, embarrassed at his friends' apologies.

"I can't believe we hurt such a forgiving friend!" exclaimed Sirius as he and James began to tear up.

"Guys!" shouted Remus not very loudly. "I've had worse." He indicated the bandage around his head from when his head had collided with the stone floor as James had tackled Sirius.

_Big black horse and a cherry tree_

_I can't quite get there 'cause my heart's forsaken me._

"I'm just never brushing my teeth ever again."


End file.
